Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
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Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I feel seen
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!