My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
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Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave