ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
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2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs