friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
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Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
hey, alexa
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired: