Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
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Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Worst perfume name ever.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*