Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
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Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.