My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
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who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup