I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
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So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.