*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
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I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt