DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
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teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.