Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
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me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Kermit goes Blue.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Breaking news:
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.