I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
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OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Spam popsicles.
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