5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
You Might Also Like
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
*swipes right on my hand mirror
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.