Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
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If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though