An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
You Might Also Like
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
new shirt idea
Monday
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it