It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
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Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*