sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
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[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*