ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
This made me chuckle.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Happy thanksgiving
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Found my door mat
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out