Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
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I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Try and stop me.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.