My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
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abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
#MeanwhileInCanada
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.