I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
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why would tinder want me to say this
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit