Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
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dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY