My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
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I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.