I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
You Might Also Like
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
lmfao come on
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
me logging onto twitter
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.