Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
You Might Also Like
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
New comic up. “Ransom”