She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
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I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Ah yes. The three genders
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way