My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
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Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Banana is the quietest snack
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”