My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
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“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this