Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
You Might Also Like
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
When you can’t find your friend Neil
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it