philosophical skeletons be like
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“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
HOW DARE YOU
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.