He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.