Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
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Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.