Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
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Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Me driving through Toronto
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
first you must answer his riddles
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy