a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
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we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?