I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
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The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.