I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
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Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
2022: I can fix it
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers