Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
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Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!