[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
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The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Any refunds available?…
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class