Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
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Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
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A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
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Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop