Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
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detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot