[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
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I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.