16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
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me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
This forever.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.