I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
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I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
being a writer on Twitter:
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
British websites use biscuits.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?