My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
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11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
My birth announcement for our third baby
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK