“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
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I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people