In banana years, I am bread.
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Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
buying dead houseplants to save time
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.