Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
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Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Smile they said.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
was Jim off killing horses or…
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.