help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
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You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?