[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
You Might Also Like
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.