[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
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I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
And then there were 4
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
IT’S-A ME,
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”